


Unknown

by NanakiBH



Series: Out of Step in a Never-Ending Gray Zone [3]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Deception, Fear of Death, Interrogation, Lies, M/M, Miscommunication, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 19:12:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12327102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: He just wanted to understand him.





	Unknown

**Author's Note:**

> I recommend reading [Off-Limits](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11201691) and [Sledgehammer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12128142). Order doesn't matter because they weren't meant to go together, but they do share the same focus on the relationship(?) between Akira, Yusuke, and Akechi from different perspectives. Once I realized how similar Sledgehammer was to Off-Limits, I decided to complete the trifecta with Akira's POV.
> 
> Takes place in November, so beware of **major spoilers.**

Niijima Sae's Palace; the group split up.

Ryuji, Ann, and Futaba stayed on the first floor to investigate the places they hadn't reached in their first tour. Futaba said there were some control stations she was interested in having a look at.

Meanwhile, Haru and Makoto were accompanied by Morgana in the dice game area. Their primary objective was treasure collecting.

The slots area had already been taken care of. They acquired as many chips as they needed for the high limit floor access card, but they weren't going to be able to proceed until they changed Prosecutor Niijima's cognition in the real world. They had to wait and do that the following day, so that left them with spare time to explore.

Akira claimed the slots area and chose Akechi and Yusuke as his exploration party.

 

No one trusted Akechi.

 

It was a secret they all shared, but they always carried a little fear in their silence.

Whenever he smiled, was he saying that he knew what they were playing at? They knew about him, and he knew about them, but was he aware of the depth of their distrust? Did he know that they were trying to run one step ahead of him? And if he knew, did that mean that they'd already fallen behind?

Like a wolf in sheep's clothing, his presence was unnerving.

Yusuke trusted him the least. Akira knew. He was like a danger-detecting dog – or fox, more appropriately. Akira could tell that Yusuke wasn't going to let him out of his sight, afraid of what Akechi would do if he happened to catch him alone. That thought bothered Akira as well, but he knew that Akechi wouldn't go too far until his plan was fulfilled. Makoto's sister was a thorn in his side, but he surely wouldn't have been stupid enough to kill her Shadow in front of them to get her out of his way. It seemed safe to assume that he wasn't going to make his move until the last second.

But what about the meantime?

Just what was he capable of? How were his morals measured, and did they exist at all?

Akira kept his thoughts to himself. He only shared what was important; the things he was sure of. Akechi was something he couldn't be sure of, so most of his thoughts never left his tongue. He was dangerous – everyone knew that – but Akira didn't want to make them fear him more by speaking sensationally.

After all, Akechi was just a person.

It would've been foolish to claim knowledge of his inner thoughts, but Akira knew enough about him to make that simple assertion. He may have been hiding something up his sleeve, but he was still just a person; the boy who always came around Leblanc at late hours to sit at the counter and quietly sip the same kind of coffee with a melancholic look on his face. Terrifying rage was capable of dwelling even within the quietest person, but a person was a person and that was all he was.

They were very alike in that regard. But that wasn't a reassurance they could place their bets on. An equal playing field wasn't ideal against a person who was willing to cheat. They would fight back if provoked, but they had no guarantee that Akechi wouldn't stab them each in the back if the opportunity presented itself to him early.

The irony of solving the casino's rigged systems together with a person like Akechi hadn't escaped him.

Akira tried to assure Yusuke that he didn't have to worry. He knew how it would've affected him if anything happened to him, so he didn't even want him to think about it. Yusuke was still recovering from the treatment he suffered under Madarame, unpacking the things he'd kept repressed beneath his denial. He was strong, but also, in some ways, still incredibly fragile. After Madarame was taken by the police, a gaping hole was left in Yusuke's life. Akira knew he couldn't act as a replacement – didn't want to, considering – but he wanted to be there for him. He wanted Yusuke to rely on him. He wanted to be the person most important to him.

So if anything happened to him...

Akira didn't want to imagine it either, but imagining it was necessary for Yusuke's sake. It was his responsibility.

Though... As selfish as it made him feel, Akira was reassured, knowing that he had someone so fiercely protective watching his back.

So, if anything happened...

If anything...

If...

 

“Akira.”

 

If anything happened to...?

 

“Akira, please wake up...”

 

Hm?

 

That wasn't right.

 

He was awake.

 

They were exploring the slots area. His train of thought had vaguely drifted off and he started thinking about Yusuke, and...

He lost track of what he was doing. Even the things he'd been thinking about felt difficult to recall.

Something must have happened. There was a strange blank space in his head.

 

After he blinked his way back into awareness, he saw Yusuke above him. He looked like he was ready to explain, but he didn't have to say anything. As soon as Akira saw Akechi's face, he remembered what happened.

It was kind of stupid, actually. He attacked an enemy while it had its guard up and all of the damage he would have dealt to it was reflected back on him. It knocked him out instantly. While he was reeling, he remembered being pushed out of the way to avoid the enemy's follow-up attack, and he caught a glimpse of Akechi's face right before he hit the ground.

Yusuke had leapt to his rescue, but Akechi...

He'd just stood there.

There'd been no expression on his face. No sinister smile. No grin of cruel delight at his mistake.

And looking at him standing there next to Yusuke, some indiscernible amount of time later, he still looked strange. He didn't seem to be putting any effort into acting like his usual, cheerful self, and it was rather unsettling. Akira had no idea what he was thinking.

“Akechi?”

Yusuke looked surprised and perhaps a little hurt when he heard Akechi's name come as the first thing from his mouth. He didn't turn to look at Akechi, but he did direct a hidden glare in his direction; eyes narrowed, mouth set in a flat, displeased line.

Akechi's reaction was delayed. When Akira spoke his name, his eyes widened, though almost imperceptibly. He glanced aside before answering slowly in a way that sounded uncharacteristic of him.

“You're... awake.”

“So it seems,” Akira said after a moment's pause. Unless he urged him to speak, it seemed like that was all Akechi was going to say.

Yusuke was at his side, kneeling next to the sofa he was laying on. A cursory look around the place informed Akira that he'd been brought to the nearby safe room. They hadn't gotten very far.

“Do you remember what happened?” Yusuke asked, concern written in his features. He placed a hand over Akira's wrist and gave it a light squeeze.

“Yeah,“ Akira muttered quietly. Sitting up, he looked down at himself and gingerly touched his abdomen where he remembered taking the brunt of the damage. It didn't hurt as badly as he expected, so he assumed that Yusuke must have provided him with some treatment while he was unconscious. “Are you alright?” he asked, turning his attention to Yusuke, looking him over, searching for signs of injury. “You took that hit for me, didn't you? You didn't have to do that.”

Luckily, he didn't appear to be hurt.

“That enemy's attack was simple enough for me to parry, but I dread to think of what would have become of you if you'd taken the hit in your dazed state. Let's just say it was a good thing I was present. I noticed that our newcomer didn't even lift a finger for you when you were in danger.”

Akechi's brows lowered, his expression darkening.

Well, it looked like he didn't like having a finger pointed at him. Such an unsurprisingly human reaction shouldn't have felt so surprising, Akira thought.

Akechi hadn't been desperate to save him, and yet he'd stood there looking so...

Startled? Dumbstruck?

It looked familiar, but no words seemed appropriate to describe what Akira saw. That look was a feeling – one that Akira didn't know. It was a blind spot in his mind's periphery.

“Akira.” Yusuke pushed up his mask, revealing the clarity of the concern in his eyes. It made Akira's chest ache to see him looking at him that way. It made him feel guilty, but he was grateful, knowing how things could've been if Yusuke hadn't been there to save him. It looked like there was something Yusuke wanted to say, but it was like he wasn't able to find the words – or perhaps he wouldn't allow himself to say what he was feeling in front of Akechi.

That person who Akira once thought was so strange and hard to understand was so simple inside. Yusuke's feelings were as clear as day.

“Sorry,” Akira said. He lifted a hand, wanting to touch Yusuke's cheek, but he settled for resting it on his shoulder instead. “I let myself get careless. I'll stay focused now.”

“Is that to say you want to keep going?” Yusuke asked. He looked ready to object to that decision, but he just tightened his jaw and held it in. He knew that they couldn't just stop. On any other regular trip to the Metaverse, they could have paused their activities for an emergency, but things were different when they had Akechi with them.

Akira was a little embarrassed for having fallen in front of Akechi, but he felt like it also provided him with some valuable information about him.

That cold shell couldn't have been empty. Like he'd hoped, there had to be a heart beating in there somewhere.

Pressing him could have proven to be unwise, but Akira wanted to try. If he had one fatal weakness, it was his own kindness. He couldn't help it. Before they settled things, he wanted to give Akechi one last chance.

“Thank you for your help, Yusuke.” That time, as he slipped his hand away from Yusuke's shoulder, Akira gave in to the impulse and raised it to hold his cheek. Yusuke's lower lip quivered at his touch, unseen by Akechi, but Akira was sure that Akechi was paying attention to the fond way he was looking at Yusuke.

Pushing himself to his feet, Yusuke picked up his sword and pulled his mask back down over his face.

“Alright,” he said, turning toward the doors. “Let's continue.”

Not yet.

“Actually.” Akira put his legs over the side of the purple sofa he'd been laying on and faced the two of them. There were still some things he wanted to hear from Akechi. Anything, really. He knew that Yusuke didn't like interacting with Akechi, but Akira was surprised that he was willing to let him off the hook so easily. If he didn't want to talk with him, though, that was fine. “Could you wait outside for a moment? I'd like to talk with Akechi. Of course, if you see a Shadow, you should come back inside right away. You don't have to worry about interrupting anything. I'll make it quick.”

Yusuke looked at Akechi. His face was expressionless, yet Akira felt like he could sense everything he felt about Akechi in that vacant stare.

Akira was willing to allow Akechi a second chance, but Yusuke...

He refused to give him anything.

It was best that way – no sympathy, no familiarity, no connection. A clear divide between them. That way, it was easiest to tell where Yusuke ended and Akechi began. Yusuke didn't want there to be any confusion of how different they were from each other.

 

Giving him a second chance... Or a third or fourth... Continually hoping to reach something in him...

It was stupid of him, wasn't it?

 

His stubbornness was a disrespect to Yusuke's caution and concern. Even if he didn't get himself killed, Akira knew it was unfair of him to be that way. So.

It'd be the last.

For the sake of the sad and solitary image of Yusuke's back as he walked out the door, Akira silently promised that it would be the last time he sought the beating of Akechi's heart.

 

When they were alone, Akira fixed his eyes on Akechi's face. If a trace of a clue appeared there, he didn't want to miss it. For some reason, he got the feeling that his gaze made him uncomfortable, so he watched all the more intently. It was his aim to shatter the tenuous barrier that was always wrapped around him.

 

“Were you scared?” Akira asked, throwing his words anywhere, hoping they would connect somewhere and leave a mark. He thought he knew where to aim, but it was hard to judge from his distance. “It would've been pretty unexpected if I died right there, huh?”

Akechi flashed an uneasy smile and brushed his hair away from his face. “I think that goes without saying,” he said.

He was holding his mask in his other hand. So steady.

“Does it?” Akira said, thinking out loud. “It's just that something tells me you hadn't thought about it until you saw me get hit. Why else would you have only stood there? What were you thinking about when it happened?”

He was trying to lead him into answering the way he wanted while earnestly asking at the same time, desperately wanting to understand his thinking. For months, Akechi had visited Leblanc. For months, he'd given him words, and yet Akira never felt as though he'd spoken to him once. Something vital was missing.

 

“I don't know,” Akechi said. “I think my mind just blanked. I froze.”

 

Really?

Really?

“Really?”

 

Oh, he said it.

 

If only the things in Akechi's head leapt from his mouth that easily, too.

 

Akira continued, pointedly staring ahead. “It didn't look that way to me. I know you wouldn't have jumped to help me like Yusuke did. You don't have to feel bad about that. That's just how you are, isn't it?” Akira couldn't help but laugh. He had to wonder if Akechi knew that he was just trying to get a rise out of him. “So... What was it, then? What do you really think about me, Akechi?”

“I respect you. I've told you before, haven't I? You aren't like anyone else. It would've been a shame if you died here.”

He looked a little sad, almost like he was hurt to have his feelings questioned.

“Is that so?” Akira asked. He didn't receive a response in return, though. Akechi stayed quiet and looked at him, like he was waiting for Akira to draw his own conclusions. It was hard to rely on his actions and harder to rely on his words, so Akira had to search for the meaning between.

Within his heart, Akira assembled a picture with the pieces he'd been given.

Akechi wasn't prepared to see him die. Not like that, at least.

 

“Do you think I wouldn't be sad if something happened to you?” Akechi asked.

 

At one point, Akira would have given him the benefit of the doubt, but he found it harder and harder to suspend his disbelief.

“You know, if something happened to me... If I suddenly died... I'm worried that it would be too much for Yusuke to handle. I'm afraid he'd do something drastic.” Akira knew he could get away with saying something like that because he knew it would force Akechi to react. “Sorry. It's unfair to compare. But I do think you might be a little envious of the type of person who would risk their life to save mine.”

He was right.

Akechi's response came in the form of his silence.

Crossing one leg over the other, placing his hands on his knees, Akira laughed as he watched him. “Cat got your tongue? It's alright. I understand. There's not a lot you can say to something like that.”

Visibly rattled, Akechi crossed his arms, drawing farther into himself. “That's true. Maybe after all of this, I'll be able to tell you what I really think.”

It would be too late by then.

“Akechi, just so you know, I don't plan on dying. I used to not care that much about myself, but I'm not like that anymore. I have others who rely on me now. I'm stressing that so you'll know how serious I am.” He wished that Akechi could be the same way. He wanted to hear him proclaim his will to live. He wanted him to rely on them. “I won't die, so, if something like that happened again, you wouldn't have to worry about saving me. You probably have other things you should be more worried about. Worry about yourself.”

“I'm sorry, but... I don't know what you're talking about.”

Why?

Even though he was right there, telling him in no uncertain words that he could be different...

“There's no hidden meaning. I've told Yusuke the same thing. 'Worry about yourself.'” Akira shook his head slowly, feeling at a loss. Putting both feet on the floor, he took his mask in his hands and stared at it bitterly. He wished that he could say what he was thinking more clearly, without any ambiguity. “Even telling him that, he always ends up worrying about me in the end... Maybe you're like that? In your own way.”

That was the first time he took his eyes off him.

“In my own way...” Akechi's voice echoed. “Yes. I think so.”

Akira thought he would've been able to see something new if he didn't look, but it was all the same. The things he wanted to hear were reflected back and fell short of reaching him. He didn't understand a thing. He didn't.

 

Really.

Really.

Really.

 

What did he want from him, really?

 

It was pointless. He felt like an idiot for trying.

It felt so unfulfilling.

Talking to him, but never with him.

Existing in two different places while occupying the same space.

 

He understood why Yusuke found him so terrifying.

 

There was nothing.

The pulse he sensed was just the echo of his own heartbeat in his head.

 

But, accepting that... How could he accept that?

 

“Oh well.”

 

Inside, part of him broke. It finally snapped, splintered, and scattered. But he was better off without it. It was just a luxury to begin with. It hurt him, and Akira was sad to see it disintegrate before his eyes, but the loss of it was going to help him focus on the things that deserved his attention.

He had to tell Yusuke he was sorry.

 

How could Akechi just stand there so quietly? Wasn't he unsatisfied, too?

 

_Oh well._

 

It didn't matter...

 

Akechi put his mask back on and gestured toward the door. “Was that all you had to say? I think we can move along now, if you're feeling up to it. Later, I think I might visit Leblanc for some coffee. If you'd like, we could talk more then. I'm still not quite used to this sort of place. I think it's bad for my nerves.”

Incredible.

Putting his mask on as well, Akira headed to the door. “Feel free. I think I'll be busy, though.”

He was done.

 

Outside, Yusuke stood guard in front of the door; feet apart, sword balanced in front of him, palms resting on the hilt. He cut an intimidating figure, but that wasn't a pose meant for attacking. He must've been feeling pretty confident if he was able to get that relaxed. It made Akira smile.

“Hey,” Akira said. His smile widened when Yusuke looked over his shoulder at him and relaxed his posture. “Run into any trouble while we were gone?”

“Not at all. You were as quick as you said.”

“Back to work,” Akechi said cheerfully. “I'll defeat all the Shadows before they even have a chance!”

That was his solution.

It would have been a lot easier to say, 'I'll watch your back.'

* * *

Akira kept waiting that night, but Akechi never showed up. The clock hands moved past his usual time and just heedlessly kept going. The night drained away his energy and left him restlessly waiting for nothing. He promised himself that he wasn't going to give him any more chances, so he didn't know what he was even waiting for anymore. He didn't know.

When he heard the door chimes, he broke into a nervous sweat.

But it was just Yusuke.

Yusuke took a seat at the counter without saying anything.

Without saying anything, Akira prepared some coffee and poured a cup for each of them. It was late by then, so Sojiro left, telling him to close the shop when they were finished. Immediately after he left, Akira locked the door.

He heard Yusuke laugh.

 

“Demons, begone. Demons, begone.”

 

Akira took the seat next to him and reached for his cup of coffee. He weakly laughed under his breath as he lifted it to his lips. “You know what I'm thinking.”

“Mn. Well, you offered me the same kindness, so I recognize what it looks like. It's upsetting to see the burden it's placed upon you in this situation, however. Like casting pearls before swine...”

“Damn, you really hate him.”

“'Hate' is too strong a word, I'd say. You, on the other hand...” Yusuke thoughtfully took a sip of his coffee and slowly lowered the cup to the counter. “I don't think you really care about him. You care about caring about him because that's who you are. He hasn't shown you his true face. There's no way you can care about a person you haven't met.”

Akira realized that he would have never really understood what Yusuke meant until experiencing that revelation for himself. It sounded like an over-simplification to his ears, but he felt the meaning inside.

When it came to Akechi, there was no way for him to tell just who he was speaking to. There was no way of knowing who his words were being heard by. The image Akechi presented himself as manipulated him into becoming who Akechi wanted him to be.

His kindness had been stolen.

“Until now, I've only been looking at the surface, but I think I finally saw what you see,” Akira said, staring at the black screen of the turned-off television in the corner. “See, today, when you pushed me out of the way, I saw Akechi's face. I thought I saw the real Akechi for a second. I thought the look on his face might've been dismay – you know, like... I thought he realized how distraught he'd feel if I died. But it was... so strange. I gave him every opportunity to say what I wanted to hear – he could've just lied – but he couldn't even do that.” He took in a cold breath. “He's serious about killing me. That look...”

It was the look of regret for a lost opportunity; a pure, uncomplicated emotion infected by the heart of someone sick.

“Right. He wants to kill you himself.”

“Do you know how many times I've talked to him?” Akira spat out a hysterical-sounding laugh. “I thought I was being serious with him, but how could I be? I was just... giving him what he wanted.”

Akechi's melancholic face couldn't have been a lie, though, but that made it all the more painful. There was a part of Akechi he couldn't reach. Or that part was already gone. Or maybe it had never really been there.

Akechi wasn't like anyone else.

He was a personal failure for Akira.

A lost cause.

“I know how you are,” Yusuke said, “but sometimes, you should worry about yourself.”

“I know.” Akira took in another deep breath and let it go. It was time for him to follow his own advice. “That's why I'm done. He won't find me leaping in the way for him.”

Yusuke nodded, looking pleased with that answer.

Akira left his cup on the counter and turned toward him.

“And... I'm sorry, Yusuke. I could tell how frustrated you were with me. You knew what he was like all along, so I must have just seemed like an idiot to you. Sorry.”

Yusuke also moved his chair to face him. He shook his head. “No. If I thought that, I would have told you to stop, but I couldn't do that because I love that part of you. I don't think Akechi deserved the chances you gave him, but I'm glad you gave them to him.”

“Even though it was pointless?”

“It's never pointless,” Yusuke said. He sounded adamant about that. “If you always gave up after the first try, I wouldn't be here. If there were a chance for him, no matter how small, I believed you would've found it.”

“But I didn't find anything... I can't help him like this.”

“That _is_ what you found. I think that's important.”

Yusuke was right. If Yusuke had simply told him to stop talking to Akechi, he wouldn't have figured that out for himself. Until the very end, he would have probably believed that he could've reached out to the good inside of Akechi to make him change. That naiveté would've seen a bullet through his head. Or worse – his mistake would've also cost him the lives of his friends.

In reality, Akechi Goro wasn't worth that much.

Akira sighed wearily. “I'm just... Mad? I was going to say 'disappointed' for a second there, but there are only so many times you can be let down by the same person before their behavior becomes vexing.”

“We are speaking of a murderer here, after all. I never expected his behavior to be rational or comprehensible.”

“Yeah... It's just like we heard in the recording from Futaba's wiretap. I just hoped...”

The reason he couldn't change Akechi's heart the old fashioned way was because his mind was already made up.

Akechi sincerely wanted to kill him.

No amount of kindness was able to change that.

It was upsetting in a way Akira had never known. He wished he didn't have to know it. It made him feel sick to his stomach when he thought about how much his foolishness could have cost him.

 

“By the way, isn't this late for you?” Akira asked.

“I thought you'd need me,” Yusuke said.

 

He was so nice.

 

“You plan on sleeping over?”

Picking up his bag, putting it in his lap, Yusuke unzipped it and opened it to show him its contents. “I brought my pajamas this time.” It looked like he'd managed to shove everything he could possibly need in there; pajamas, toothbrush and toothpaste, his uniform, and, of course, his sketchbook and drawing utensils.

“Silly...” Akira mumbled fondly. “Thanks. I probably wasn't going to be able to sleep alone tonight.”

“Isn't Morgana here for you, too?”

“He's asleep already... And snuggling with him just wouldn't be the same, you know? He'd probably scratch my face.”

“You may use the comfort of my warm bosom as your pillow.”

“You're as flat as a board.” But he totally planned to take Yusuke up on that offer.

 

He needed a quiet night to calm his mind and restore his focus. The moment of do or die was approaching, and he absolutely wasn't going to die.

 

He was going to prove his seriousness to Akechi.


End file.
